Mother Shahraz, also known as the Outland Madame, was found dead in her palatial home in The Black Temple early Tuesday morning. The detectives in charge of the investigation haven’t releasing many details yet, but they did indicate that a suicide note was found pinned to a chaise lounge near her body. While the contents of the note have not yet been revealed, rumors are circulating that it contains a detailed history of her downfall that started after a high ranking member of The Aldor confessed to being a client of her “escort service”.

Despite the note indicating that Mother Shahraz’ death as caused by suicide, one of the investigators, Peacekeeper Jadaar of the Shattrath City Police Department, suspects foul play:

“Shahraz’ body was found covered with injuries that could only be caused by multiple bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing weapons, plus multiple burns that could only be caused by magic. Given the number or injuries on her body, I suspect the attacker was actually a fifty-armed monstrosity capable of wielding multiple weapons and casting spells at the same time. That is the only possible explanation for her death. I’d advise all of the residents of Outland to report any encounters with fifty-armed monstrosities to the police immediately.”

The 2nd Annual Demon Hunter Award at the Black Temple was expected to be a star-studded evening filled with excitement and wonder. The world’s most famous blood elves and demon hunters were set to take the stage for one momentous night, honoring the betterment of Outland society brought about by these brave individuals. But just as the opening ceremony was starting, the amphitheater was attacked by what appeared to be a spectral invasion. Ghosts appeared out of nowhere and started to chase the ceremony attendees out of the temple. One blood elf, still startled by the sudden ghostly onslaught, had this to say:

“So… like… the music just started playing when these, like… ghosts came out of nowhere. They were really spooky looking, and people were all like, ‘Zomg! Ghosts!’, and started like freaking out and stuff. Then some giant freaky disembodied head showed up and started yelling at people about, like, pain and suffering and stuff. I like totally ran away, because that freaky head was chasing me all over the place. Now I’m just totally bummed out, because I was a shoe-in for the Best Illidan Impersonation award. Here, listen…. ‘YOU are NOT prepared!’ *sigh* Maybe I’ll win next year.”

With their own security forces spread thin due to the recent Ashtongue strike and the raid on the Bloodboil compound, the Black Temple was forced to call in outside help to deal with the problem. A mercenary guild known as Elysian arrived on the scene and quickly took control of the situation. Mere minutes after they arrived, the mercenaries discovered that the ghosts were just illusions being created by an array of gnomish image projection devices.

With the “ghosts” out of the way, Elysian moved on to deal with the disembodied head. After searching the amphitheatre for several minutes, they finally found it backstage, attempting to steal all of the trophies for the awards ceremony. A brief fight ensued, but Elysian quickly overwhelmed the disembodied head with sheer numbers. Once the head was wrestled to the ground, they discovered it was nothing more than an elaborate costume with a blood elf in it. The blood elf was quickly identified by one of the ceremony attendees as Alestus Sanguinar, a recent drop out of demon hunter academy at The Black Temple. As he was being carried way, Alestus was overheard yelling, “I’m the best demon hunter in outland! The trophies should have been mine! All mine! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky raiders!”

When asked to comment on the behavior of Alestus, Lady Malande of the Illidari Council provided a brief response: “I can neither confirm nor deny Alestus’ participation in the demon hunter training program. What is clear is that he is a deeply disturbed individual, and deserves the best possible care available to him. Even as I speak, poor Alestus is being cared for in the bowels of our most comforting dungeo…. I mean mental health clinic. Rest assured that he will no longer pose a danger to himself or anyone else ever again.”

Shattrath City Police raided The Black Temple late Monday evening in an attempt to arrest Gurtogg Bloodboil for his connections to a major fel blood distribution network. Upon arriving at the Black Temple, police found themselves in a violent firefight with a notorious gang of fel orcs known at The Bloods. Twenty minutes later the police managed to arrest or kill every single member of the gang. With his loyal gang incapacitated, Gurtogg Bloodboil flew into a fel rage. The ensuing struggle resulted in the death of several members of law enforcement and Bloodboil himself.

Shortly after the raid, Peacekeeper Jadar of the Shattrath Police Department issued this statement:

"With the death of Gurtogg Bloodboil, we’ve dismantled a major drug trafficking network. We’ve been working towards this moment ever since last year’s raid on Magtheridon’s Lair revealed a link between the fel orcs of Hellfire Citadel and The Black Temple. By taking fel blood off the market, we’ve given the orcish youths of the Lower City an opportunity to grow up in a drug free environment."

Gathios the Shatterer, ranking member of the Illidari Council and a longtime friend of Gurtogg Bloodboil, responded to Jadar with a statement of his own:

"It sickens me to the see how the smear campaign against The Black Temple has escalated. We already knew that the corrupt government of Shattrath City had no morals, and this illegal raid on our compound proves it. Not only did the authorities fail to obtain a warrant for the arrest of Gurtogg, but then they committed the worst act of police brutality Outland has ever seen. Gurtogg Bloodboil was a well respected member of the orcish community. The defamation of his memory shows the true character of Ad’al and the corrupt bureaucrats that run Shattrath City."

Approximately one year ago, the Burning Legion started an illegal logging operation in the historic Mount Hyjal Wildlife Preserve. Despite the vocal outcry from organizations such as PET-ME (People for the Ethical Treatment of Magical Entities) and the Cenarion Circle, the international community was hard pressed to prevent the Burning Legion from pillaging the mountain. Initial attempts to negotiate with Archimonde, leader of the Burning Legion, only resulted in mockery. He’d simply shout something nonsensical like, “A’kreesh”, fear the negotiators, set them on fire, then toss them into the air.

To further complicate matters, not all of the major world organizations even considered the logging operation a threat. Powerful lobbies such as the National Hunter Association claimed that the price of arrows would skyrocket without cheap Hyjal wood. Meanwhile, major businesses such as GMC (Gnomeregan Motor Corporation), sided with the Burning Legion as they both had an invested interest in denying the relationship between deforestation and global warming.

Just when the environmental situation at Mount Hyjal was starting to look grim, the most unlikely of champions took up the fight against Archimonde’s legion: The Venture Company. Once known for their brazen disregard for the environment, this goblin-lead business sparked a worldwide campaign to save the historic wildlife preserve. The cry for international support was a great success. Humans, dwarves, elves, gnomes, orcs, tauren, and trolls forgot their differences long enough to drive Archimonde and the Burning Legion from Mount Hyjal.

When asked why a company once known as the world’s worst polluter would aid in the recovery of one of the world’s most famous wildlife preserves, a spokesperson for the Venture Company had this to say: "We’re grateful that the Burning Legion’s plans to log on Mount Hyjal were thwarted. As you can see by this contact just drafted by our legal department, the Venture Company claims exclusive rights to plundering all of Azeroth’s natural resources. We were fully prepared to sue the Burning Legion for the rights to illegally log that region of the world, but now we won’t have to."

Hello, everyone, my name is Illidan Stormrage. You may recognize me from my role in games such as Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos, Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade, and the upcoming new release, Hello Kitty Online. I’m here to discuss a matter of grave importance with you: necromancy addiction. Many adolescents see portrayals of bloodthirsty death knights in video games and think that necromancy is the solution to all of their problems. While necromancy can solve many problems, it can quickly get out of hand and ruin your life. To illustrate this point, I’m going to talk about a young necromancy addict named Teron Gorefiend.

Teron was a typical teenage boy with typical teenage problems: bullies and a complete inability to communicate with girls his own age. After being humiliated in class one day, Teron thought to himself, “If only I could raise my own undead legion, those dumb jocks will be too afraid to pick on me”. He soon delved into necromancy, raised his own army of zombies from the local graveyard, and killed every jock that ever embarrassed him. Teron thought he would quit as soon as the jocks were dealt with, but he found the power of necromancy too alluring to turn away from. And who can blame him? He went from a scrawny pipsqueak that everyone looked down upon, to someone that was feared and respected. His parents were too afraid to ground him for breaking curfew, the public library dropped all of his late fees, and no one ever dared screw up his fast food orders at the drive through window. But what Teron didn’t realize was that this power comes with a cost.

Blinded by his own unholy might, Teron became oblivious to the detrimental toll necromancy had on his life. First, he acquired an insatiable urge to drink the blood of his enemies. Next, he found it was very difficult to cover up the rotten stench acquired by spending every day with decomposing undead. This made it impossible for him to find a date to homecoming, because no one wanted to go out with a blood drinking maniac that smelled like rotten flesh. Unable to find a date, Teron was forced to find some random girls, kill them, and force them to be his zombie sex slaves for all eternity. And just when Teron was getting used to the fact that all of his companions were just drooling zombies with no libido, a group of twenty-five adventurers broke into his sanctum of evil and killed him for two measly epic items.

So remember kids, don’t do necromancy. It ruined Teron’s life, and it could ruin your life too.

Not even an hour after Black Temple security became aware of the fact that their intrusion deterrence device, Supremus®, had failed, management at Outland's most evil corporation was dealt another shocking blow. The UAW (United Ashtongue Workers Union), lead by Akama, announced that they were going on strike effective immediately. Work at the Ruins of Baa'ri, the Netherwing Mines, and various steam pumps throughout Zangamarsh ground to a halt as members of the UAW walked off the job.

While Akama could not be reached to comment on the strike, a member of the UAW did release a list of demands they expect to be met before they will even consider returning to work:

• Better working conditions
• Improved health care plan
• Regular mine safety inspections
• Improved housing conditions at the Slave Pens
• Rename the Slave Pens to something a bit more up beat and cheerful
• Some form of water breathing spell when inspecting problems with steam pumps
• An end to physical abuse as a means of entertainment for the Illidari Council
• Actually getting paid a salary instead of being treated like slaves

Gathios the Shatterer, a member of the Illidari Council, released a brief statement in response to Akama's demands, “Of course we aren't concerned about the strike. If our little Ashtongue slaves don't return to work immediately, I will personally feed them to the mutant hydra and naga living in the sewers.”

Shadowmoon Valley, Outland – Attorneys Balthas, Gorgannon, and Mephistroth on the behalf of The Black Temple filed a product liability lawsuit against KaBlamo Corp for sale of a defective intrusion deterrence device called Supremus®. The petition claims that Supremus® represented and warranted to have certain qualities and performance characteristics, which in fact, it did not have.

“The unscrupulous goblins at KaBlamo Corp lead my clients to believe that this so-called 'intrusion deterrence device' could withstand the might of the Burning Legion itself. Instead, it couldn't even fend off twenty-five disorganized mortals rushing the front door of the Black Temple. My clients were misled and given a false sense of security by depending upon a device that is ineffective,” said attorney Mephistroth. The petition currently seeks compensatory damages in the the amount of 775,00 gold with Mephistroth stating, “if our suspicions are confirmed the complaint will be amended to seek punitive damages in the amount of treble compensatory damages.”

The president of KaBlamo Corp, Shyster Mountebank, had this reaction when asked about the lawsuit, “It is the policy of this corporation not to speak to the press regarding active or pending lawsuits. But if it weren't our policy, I would tell you that the legal counsel at the Black Temple is smoking blood thistle. We clearly sold them a Supremus® RXD-20 which is only certified to deter up to twenty intruders at once. If they really wanted to defend their front door against more than that, well, that's what the Supremus® RXD-5000 is for. It's not my fault their legal team can't read the fine print on our contracts. What's even more laughable is the fact that they don't even have jurisdiction on Azeroth. The courts in Outland have zero influence here.”

Name: Azgalor
Age: 9,473 years
Gender: Male
Neutered: No. Have you ever tried to neuter a pit lord before?
Rabies Shots: No
Length: 45 feet from head to tail
Height: 25 feet
Weight: 3.5 tons
Hair Color: n/a

Distinguishing Characteristics: Two large tusks. Two cute little wings. Normally caries a large frickin' sword. Often leaves a trail of death and destruction in his wake. Responds to Azgalor, Azzie, and Cutie-Muffin.

Last Known Location: I lost track of my dear, sweet Azgalor while taking him for a walk through the historic battleground of Mount Hyjal. He was last seen somewhere near the ruins of the orc encampment and the World Tree.

If Found, Please Contact: Archimonde of the Burning Legion

Early this morning, the activist group PET-ME (People for the Ethical Treatment of Magical Entities) staged a massive protest in front of the Black Temple. The protest was sparked when members of the group heard a rumor that a giant, mutated naga named Naj'entus had been killed within the temple's sewer system. At least two hundred protesters filled the area before the front gates, carrying a variety of banners and signs protesting the Black Temple's unfair treatment of the deceased naga. Throughout the day, one of the protest leaders announced the following message via a gnomish voice amplification device:

"The Black Temple's policy of flushing baby hydra, naga, and water elementals down the toilet must stop! Creatures that are flushed down toilets will find their way into the sewer system, where they will inevitably feed on raw sewage for their entire lives. And as we all know, a diet of nothing but sewage causes these poor, unloved magical entities to mutate into larger, meaner versions of themselves. These unfortunate creatures are then used to guards the bowels of the Black Temple from potential invaders. Illidan's abuse and slavery of these creatures must be put to a stop!"

Ironically enough, the heroes that set out to thwart Illidan found that they couldn't even enter the Black Temple while the protesters were blocking the entrance. One irritated dwarf stated, "This is ridiculous. How are we supposed to put an end to the madness Illidan has wrought upon Outland with these PET-ME idiots blocking the only way in?! This is about dumb as the time they tried to stop hunters from killing warp stalkers in Terrokar Forest by casting detect invisibility on everyone."

When asked if they were worried about the protesters causing disruptions within the Black Temple, a member of the Illidari Council had this to say: "Why should a throng of insignificant little mortals bother us? It's not like they can even enter the temple. Besides, Doomwalker is due to respawn in a few hours. That should be fun to watch."

Name: Kaz'rogal
Title: Junior Assistant Doomguard

1 = UNACCEPTABLE
2 = BELOW EXPECTATIONS
3 = SATISFACTORY
4 = EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
5 = OUTSTANDING

I cannot even begin to express how disappointed I am in you, Kaz'rogal. While both your positive attitude and your ability to corrupt innocent souls were nearly unrivaled in the Burning Legion, your many short comings have forced me to give you a poor performance evaluation. Your complete and utter failure to complete the one task I set out for you, the defeat of Thrall and his orcs, has jeopardized our operations at Mount Hyjal. Not only were the undead in your care utterly annihilated, you then managed to make the situation worse by getting yourself killed. This sort of failure is completely unacceptable in the Burning Legion. You should actually consider yourself lucky that you were slain by a handful of mortals, as I was fully prepared to rend your soul into thousands of pieces. As it stands, the worst I can do to you now is write a scathing posthumous evaluation.

- Archimonde